A Personal Share

When an actor plays a role, they become the part. Sometimes this part gets acted out in the actors real life as well. We saw this irony for example once when Heath Ledger died while playing The Joker. This is what happened to me when I signed the trust to be the trustee of my parents living trust. I then became my dad, since he had left, with specific guidelines on what I was supposed to do. In becoming my dad, I got to see life through his eyes. I almost died because he died by living his life's perceptions. I became a backseat to his agenda as Heather, and the unconscious living sentient part of myself acted as him.

Now, I can be Heather again, with all that I have learned, explore all of what that means for me now. "Open your eyes," as they say in Vanilla Sky. Awaken from the dream, it is over.

However, there was not damages not done. To my physical body, I did things that I truly don't think Heather could have or would have done. I drank too much, I really disregarded the internal guidance of Heather. I really wanted to run away, but I felt I could not. I was in quite a conundrum and everything was all wrapped together in a big mess of tangled knots.

Now that the drama is over, I am at a transitional state. I am spending most of my time reflecting on what I've learned, spending time in deep prayer and eternal gratitude for the fact that I am still here and for all that I have learned. I am eternally grateful to be given another chance at life.

However, my hair is not the same. It isn't as soft and shiny as it once was. Where it was once like silk, it easily becomes a tangled mess. Where it was once golden, it is now more of an auburn brown. Where my lips used to have a natural smile, they seem to be moving in the opposite direction. Where my eyes used to sparkle in the bright lights, there is a dim sadness within them. I have tried to hide this and cover it. I have really felt my joy returning recently, but it still does not change so quickly the damage that took four years to show up.

I really don't know how much damage was done to my body, but I do believe and in fact know that I can heal. And I don't even think it would be considered a miracle. Now that Heather is taking full control over my body, it can start to glow and return again.

As I spend the next part of my life in devotion to God, Service, Prayer, and Writing, I think my life will settle into a state of peace that I never really knew in my younger years.

Ive been through so much, and what I can say the most is that the thing that hurts others the most is just simple and plain, it is unconsciousness of how our actions affect another. We are completely unaware that our actions are causing great calamity and pain in some other area of life. Forgive them father, they do not know what they do, as Jesus says. This is true for all life. We don't mean to inflict pain on others, usually, however we do. I was shown in my dreams through my grandpa, that it is not one person that creates something, it is ALL of us. This is why it is so important for us to love and give to each other. We must treat each other as One, the other is the self.

Also, now that I have seen where I am headed, from where I am going in terms of my personality and ego structure, I feel a huge sense of loss. I feel like I am becoming what people in the old days used to maybe call saints. Its just that it is the only way that makes sense anymore. I hope I can live up to my standards for myself in that regard.

But there is a huge loss of this ego self I once knew and loved living the illusion of Heather. Before my dad died, I really liked Heather. She was a ball of light. Maybe she didn't know all of what she knows now, but that kept her bright eyed and bushy tailed. I cried last night because I feel that the part of me that was the old Heather is just disintegrating into dust to be alchemized into something else, once again. How many times do I have to die and be reborn in this process?

I never knew life would be so challenging. I cried and now my eyes are very puffy. I know its all for the best and I am going to heal and become truly authentically joyous once again, but this process is ever so challenging.